3 years on…

It won’t happen to me.
I would be out of here if he ever laid a hand on me.
He has a temper, but he wouldn’t do that.
I pushed him over the edge. It’s my fault and he’s sorry.
I am getting things in order to make it possible for me to leave. I’ll be safe until then.
He promised to get help. He’s making an appointment with a counseller as soon as things settle down.
…sound familiar?
A narcissist likes to be in control. No, that’s not entirely true – they have to be in control. It is imperative that they control the environment but if something goes wrong it’s your fault. When there is an incident that snatches control away from them they react violently because that’s the only way they know to regain control.
It may start out as verbal abuse and intimidation. There may be sneering comments that strike at the very root of your confidence or there may be lots of yelling. Eventually, you stop responding to those things because they become a normal part of your life. You try to “be good”, to keep the peace and keep the abuse at bay, but you can’t. There’s always something that ignites it.
Once you stop responding, the narcissist has to go one more level to regain control over you. bugs can be temper tantrums, violent gestures, even throwing things. You try a little harder to keep things calm at home, but you find that you are getting jumpy and when you hear a sudden noise, adrenalin rushes into your system – you get butterflies, your heart pounds, and you shake. Again, at some point, your mind accepts that this is normal and it doesn’t respond with the same dramatic fear that it did before.
At this point he has to take it further to get control and usually this will be some sort of violence. If you are in the process of taking your life back from a narcissist you will experience violence at some point.
If you loved 50 Shades of Grey you will likely not love what I am about to say. That book portrays sexual abuse as being romantic, hot, and normal. You know, whatever two consenting adults do behind closed doors is okay, right?
No. Because when you have been victimised by a narcissist you can no longer say no. You no longer have the ability to think for yourself. There is a part of your brain that shuts down and goes into survival mode. Oh, you may say “No”, or “Stop”, or whatever, but he doesn’t stop and you don’t push it. After all, if you fight against it something worse might happen. Your brain stops recording images, feelings, and time and you just float in a haze. The really sad thing is that once you begin to react that way, it becomes habitual.

Sexual violence gives the narcissist control as much as other types of violence. It isn’t a matter of ignorance, or selfishness – it isn’t even about satisfaction. It is about his need for control. It isn’t normal and it isn’t okay.

No means no. Stop means stop. There is nothing sexy about being forced when you are not ready and when you don’t want it. There is nothing hot about having your every move controlled, from the things you eat, how much money you spend to how often, if at all, you go to the gym. If you think that is romantic, or sexy, or love, you are wrong.

Since abuse creeps in to your life so slowly you don’t really notice it. Something happens and you swear he’ll never get the chance to do that again. He changes, he goes to the meetings, admits he’s aware of his bad behaviour and he swears he’s on top of it all. and you believe he’s changed.
The thing is that no matter what you believe, there is every chance you are going to end up in A&E or the morgue at some point if you don’t get out and stay out, not only by his hand, but by your own. Everyone is capable of violence and a narcissist is more capable than others. Still think it won’t happen to you?
No matter what is going on in your life, no matter what your circumstances are you have options. There are family violence agencies in every city. There are churches, hotlines, and friends and family just waiting to help you. It will not be easy, but it is possible.
I didn’t think I had options. I’de had seven kids, three of which were still at home, I’de been a stay at home mum and hadn’t worked outside of the house since the 1980s. It was 2006 and I was 46 years old, 20 kilos overweight, and had zero self confidence and less self esteem. I didn’t know anyone who could help me. I knew no one would believe me, after all, he had portrayed me as the crazy one. He was Mr Nice Guy, Mr Perfect Citizen, Mr Community Minded and Mr Help Anyone and Everyone.
I had pleaded with and begged with God to rescue me, but there was no one to rescue me, and it seemed even God didn’t care. But for me it came down to – Stay and Die, or Leave to Live. It has not been easy, and it has been a long hard road. There have been times where I’ve been as close to death since leaving, as I was while in the relationship. And although  it’s been long and hard, I never expected or ever believed my life could and would get SO much better and continually surprises me with “more” better.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist that is escalating, or even if you’re not sure it’s abusive, check out an abuse hotline and talk with someone, and don’t wait. It’s too late once you’re just another statistic…
If you need help, please call 000 or LifeLine on 131114


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Tela
    Aug 22, 2014 @ 23:05:25

    so happy you were finally able to leave your abuser.


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